How do I look dignified while falling down the stairs?

We all have our dirty little secrets, those songs that we ridicule in public but once in the comfort of our own home we turn up the speakers and let that delicious tacky music fill our ears with its goodness. For the purpose of my social standing I won’t say what my dirty little secret song is, and it might be best if you don’t mention yours either.

I can guarantee this song is not the birthday celebration song Happy Birthday. We all know the song, it’s repeated every birthday my families in millions of houses around the world. It’s not just an uninteresting song, it’s slow, difficult to sing with enthusiasm and people with singing voices like me get a visit from PETA every time we try to attempt it. It’s not my fault, the song is just bad.

It’s time we changed it to something better but as I can’t sing I’ll leave it up to someone else.

Along with singing it appears I also missed out on having any skills playing sport. It’s difficult when trying to live my life while forgetting that I don’t have any fine motor skills. I end up falling down stairs when attempting to step down them like a normal person manages to do everyday, and seeing me play any ball sport is both really sad and terrifying to watch at the same time. Playing sport that needs a coordinated effort of all my body parts to work together is something that I’m just not capable of achieving so it’s easier just to give up.

I’m fine with this fact, I’ve never understood the fascination with sports anyway with it’s arbitrary rules and silly uniforms so the fact that I’m no good at playing them is only a minor inconvenience to my life.

In the days when I’m feeling down about my lack of sporting ability at least I can pull down the blinds in my house and play Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus loud enough for the windows to rattle.

As long as nobody finds out about music choices my secrets should be safe.


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