Lord of the Rings and the Order of the Phoenix.

The new Hobbit movie comes out soon. It’s the final movie in the trilogy, and I’ll be there in the first few days of release lining up at the cinema like a nerd with my large coke and extremely overpriced popcorn.

I’ll sit there for a few hours watching Gandalf and Bilbo walk around the screen, some Elves, Dwarves & Hobbits will get stabby and cause the death of some innocent and greatly misunderstood Orcs, Ringwraiths and Trolls.

Maybe they are not so innocent, the problem is I’m not actually sure of who the good and bad guys are as I’ve got no idea what the hell is happening in that movie. I’ve watched every single Lord of the Rings movie since The Fellowship of the Ring came out in 2001, walked out of the cinema with satisfaction afterwards at an enjoyable few hours but if you asked me any major (or minor) plot development then I couldn’t tell you,

I know there is a guy called Gandalf who is a retro hippy looking guy who does some pretty cool stuff when he get angry, but I always get Ian McKellen mixed up with Michael Gambon who plays Professor Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies.

This is a problem because my brain get confused and I think I’m watching one of the Harry Potter movies. I realise my mistake quickly because I have a extreme aversion to seeing Hermione Granger on anything but fire so cannot relax while watching her, and when she doesn’t appear on screen for a while I start putting away my cigarette lighter and kindling.

People say the Lord of the Rings books are an amazing read. I don’t believe them. The type of people who say they’ve read these books are the same who claim to have read Ulysses by James Joyce or Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. How about we have an honest moment, Ayn Rand hasn’t read Atlas Shrugged, and if she doesn’t want to read it then I can’t see why I should.

Of course I’ll be there on the 26th of December when the final Hobbit movie comes out, despite me having absolutely no idea what happened in the last two movies. I still think it’s important to see as I need to know if Gandalf finally defeats Lord Voldemort or if Harry Potter finally makes it to Mount Doom so he can throw the Horcrux into the volcano.

May the force be with you.

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